death by dream
by Envious Yet
Summary: Five times James Sirius Potter gave someone a kiss and one time he received one. Teddy/James, Albus/Scorpius, Lily Luna/Lorcan, Hugo/Lysander


**A/N: **_This was supposed to be only about 4,000 words long, but obviously it got away from me! To see extended notes and explanations, either check out the story at Archive of Our Own (under the same name), or simply PM me for details! Constructive criticism, questions, or any other comments you might have are always appreciated!_

**death by dream**

**I. kiss of life**

They are frolicking about in Luna Scamander's backyard, happily playing with the large multitude of butterflies and Florentine Pixies when it happens.

The day is hot, hotter than usual for Scotland, but it's also nice because of the river nearby and because his dad has provided them with a cool water running fountain to splash around in. James, the oldest except for Teddy, who is helping his grandmother with something inside, casually plays with his younger siblings and cousins, being sure to keep an eye on the wandering Dominique as she nears closer and closer to the river.

"Stop that!" Albus shrieks, pulling away from Lily's hands as they tug on his wild black hair. He's laughing, though, a sure sign he's in a better mood than he lets on, so James leaves them be. At eleven years old he feels oddly _responsible_ for all his younger cousins and siblings, and he wants to live up to the expectations that the rest of the world surely has for him, being Harry Potter's oldest son.

James soon joins Albus, who just turned nine that summer, and Lily, who is still only six and a half, prying them off each other only to tackle Al gently to the ground, tickling him.

The boy squeals with giggles and screams, writhing away from James' wiggling fingertips and rolling around in the dry summer grass. Lily titters behind them, red hair shining like a beacon in the bright sun. She looks enough like their mother that Gram dotes on her more, perhaps, than the others.

"James!" Albus shouts, still twisting about, "James, stop it!"

James finally lets him up, grinning madly, and Albus choses that moment to fly at his brother and sit on him for his trouble. Albus, while not heavy at all (in fact, he's most definitely on the scrawny side, another trait he gets from their dad), has a certain way of planting his bum right underneath James' ribs in a way that just shoots the breath out of the older boy, leaving him unable to move except for a weak twitch every now and then and only gasp out words from his winded mouth.

"Al—you—better—get—off—right—now!" He wheezes, pushing at Al's slender thighs. Al looks down at him imperiously, green eyes bright with mirth and superiority. James actually thinks that someday he might be a Slytherin, not that it bothers him _too_ much.

Lily tugs Albus off and James gets up, shaking his head at them. Both giggle and run off, Lily to pester Rose into making her a chain of flowers for her head, and Al to help Hugo out of the water.

James watches them, a fond smile tugging at his reluctant lips, and he briefly catches a glimpse of his father glancing at them from the window, a similar smile on his own face.

Harry winks at him and goes back to his paperwork (being an Auror, apparently, isn't all debonair fun and games, there's boring _paperwork_ involved). James feels a rush of affection flood through his veins, and he flops back into the grass, arms above his head to cushion it.

"Dominique?" He suddenly hears Albus call, voice uncertain.

James immediately leaps up, searching for the familiar strawberry blonde curls of his female cousin amongst the red heads and brunettes that otherwise surround Aunt Luna's backyard.

He sees Lorcan and Lysander joking around with Lily and Hugo on the far end, nearer to the house, and Louis relaxing under the shade of an oak tree with a book, but no Dominique. He almost curses, but stops himself because now Albus is in hearing range, and his mother hates it when he curses anyway.

"Jamie, have you seen Domi?" Albus asks, eyebrows crinkled together with concern.

James puts an arm around Al's shoulders and replies soothingly, "No, but I'm sure she's around here somewhere. Tell you what, you head right on the river and I'll head left and I'm sure we'll see her."

Al nods, "Okay, but shouldn't we tell mum or someone?"

James glances toward the house and shakes his head.

"No, they're all busy. Don't worry, Al, she'll be fine. If she's not we'll just scream for them and someone'll come running, okay?"

Albus nods again and they take off.

James' stomach bubbles with something terrible, something bitter and boiling, and he watches his little brother walk the other way for a short time. Then, he turns to the left of the river and walks and walks until it ends. No sign of Dominique.

Frowning now, and dearly hoping that Al found her because otherwise Aunt Fleur will kill them both and then the grownups will have to go looking for her and it'll all be James' fault for not keeping an eye out, he sprints as fast as he can toward the direction Albus ran off in.

For a while, there's nothing but a few trees and the distant sound of his family having a good time. The river seems awfully departed from that world, somehow separated from everything else, and while it's peaceful, it's also kind of frightening. James licks his lips and runs a little faster, keeping an eye out now for both his brother and Domi.

He hears a cry, abruptly, coming from a little ways ahead and behind a tree, where the river bends up and around, and it sounds like his brother. Then, there's an ominous splash and Al's crying and James finds himself pounding around the bend and almost over the edge of the river, like what probably happened to Albus.

"Al!" He cries, tugging off his shoes quickly. Albus can swim, but not as well as James; and there's a strong current in this river. James can't do anything but dive in after him.

Al's head goes under the surface, black mop of hair bobbing dangerously close to some rocks, and James' heart leaps into his throat. He uses the current to push himself toward his baby brother, catching rocks and the river bed to slow himself down as best he can. It won't help Al, after all, if he drowns too.

Making one final push to the spot where Al went under, completely out of sight now because of the rushing foam, James dives under and, keeping his eyes open, searches for Al's little body among the dirt, weeds, and rocks.

He finally spots him, caught under a rock and, horrifyingly, not struggling, and James kicks to him, fighting the current. He uses the rock to push away, taking Al's body with them, but grabs an underwater tree root so that he doesn't lose the edge of the river. With what little strength remains in his athletic, but still small body, James pulls the deadweight of his brother up and out of the water, using his legs and the rocks to help him along, and then pulls himself up, panting for air.

Albus lies, incredibly still and entirely too pale, on the grass by the river.

James rushes to him and screams for his mum and dad because _he doesn't know what to do_ and _oh Merlin, Al is dying, he's not breathing, oh Merlin, I can't lose him, please Al, please. _

An eerie calm suddenly comes over James and he remembers watching the Muggle telly just a few nights ago in Aunt Luna's living room before they were all ushered off to bed, where one Muggle saved another, who had drowned, by pressing his hands into her ribs and pushing and pressing his mouth to hers in a kiss.

James realizes that he must do the same.

Still out of breath and panicking, James rolls Al until he's lying on his back, and then leans over his brother. He puts his hands on Al's abdomen, just under his ribs, remembering how the man in the movie did it, and pushes up hard, trying to expel the water from Al's lungs, trying to save him.

Frantically, he does this, unsure if he's even doing it right, and finally he just bends over and puts his lips on his brother's cold, wet ones, and breathes into the still body that he's sure; _sure,_ Al is still in, somewhere.

He doesn't even hear the worried voices of his parents and the other adults and kids; he's so busy trying to get his brother back.

Then, by some stroke of luck, after he's breathed all he has left into Al's mouth (and hopefully down his throat, into his lungs) and pushed and pushed until his arms ache, Al sputters and sits up, coughing up water and gulping in breaths of air so deep that he chokes on them.

With a pleased cry, James throws his arms around his spluttering brother, almost crying himself, but not quite.

Through the blurry tears in his eyes and the rushing sound in his head he sees and hears his parents, shouting with concern, come up behind Al, but he doesn't let go.

Even when Al stills, resting his head tiredly against James' shoulder and answering their mum's anxious questions calmly, James refuses to let go.

Their dad's hand is warm and heavy on James' shoulder, but unlike their mum, he doesn't try to pull James off Al, just kneels beside them both and strokes Al's hair, looking at James with relief and gratitude and worry in his eyes.

Even when Teddy, who James admires more than anyone, comes and throws an arm around James' shoulders and whispers, "It's okay, Jamie, it's okay. Al's going to be fine," James refuses to let go.

He only releases Al when Aunt Hermione says he must because Al needs real medical attention now, and he clings to Teddy because he feels unstable and shaky and in need of someone, if it can't be Al, to hold onto. His father keeps glancing between both his sons; one wet and subdued, the other uncharacteristically quiet, but in a wild, desperate way.

James sees Dominique, then, who apparently had run off to the loo without saying anything, but instead of yelling at her like he kind of wants to, he just hugs her and says he's glad she's okay. Domi promptly bursts into tears, and a sympathetic Bill comes and takes her from James, giving him a brief, grateful nod.

When James crawls into Al's bed that night, Al doesn't say anything, just lets James cuddle him until morning.

Harry doesn't say anything either, when he comes to wake them up, just smiles in that fatherly way that usually makes James feel like a child, but now makes him feel reassured and safe.

James isn't sure what he'd do without Al, but he doesn't plan on finding out any time soon.

**II. kiss to come out**

When James is seventeen they spend Christmas break at Bill and Fleur's house in France, meeting with Fleur's mother and father, and also her sister Gabrielle and Gabrielle's daughter, Marianne. Luckily, because Fleur's whole side of the family is overwhelming in an entirely different way than the Weasley side and James isn't sure any of them would be able to deal with it, they don't have Christmas dinner with them, and instead go to Germany for a visit with Gabrielle's husband's family.

It's quite pleasant like this, the house cozy but not too overcrowded (James is sharing a room with Fred, who likes to prank people, so they get along) with several charms to make more rooms appear. All of his cousins are in attendance, including Teddy, who James hasn't seen since he and Victoire broke up. Of course, even after their falling out, Teddy was quite welcome, but Teddy decided to let Victoire cool off before he came back.

She did, and they made up, deciding to be friends and all, and so any tension that might've marred the Christmas celebrations is taken care of.

James spends a lot of his time up in the air on his broom, playing Quidditch with Fred, Teddy, and Lily on his team against Albus, Albus' best friend Scorpius, Frank Longbottom, and Lysander.

Sometimes Roxanne or Dominique will join them, or Louis will leave his room to spend a little time with Hugo to watch (Uncle Ron's son is extremely clumsy on a broom, even worse than apparently Aunt Hermione was, so they never ask him to join them unless they really need someone to even out the teams). Even more rarely Victoire will play, just to get outside for a while, or Uncle Charlie will pick up the old broom and join them in the air, complaining about his back the whole time.

Rose sometimes plays keeper, like her father did, and she's quite decent at it, but she loves to cook so much that around the holidays she's usually off in the kitchen doing that instead. Molly, Percy's eldest, never nears a broom for fear that it will whack her in the face, and Lucy prefers to either sit with Louis and Hugo or join Rose in the kitchen.

Lorcan likes to creep in the corners of the field and throw dung bombs at his brother and Lily. It's actually kind of awesome, in an irritating, smelly way.

It's on one of these days, with Teddy hovering by the hoops and James keeping an eye out for his father's favorite snitch, that James sees _it_.

Hugo Weasley, his little fourteen year old cousin who inherited his mother's petite form and his father's blue eyes, watching Lysander with that _look_, the one James knows so well, in his eyes.

James feels a stab of pity for the poor boy, because Lysander hardly ever looks at Hugo when Lily's in the room (which she often is, Lysander, Lorcan, Lily, and Hugo being the best of friends and all in Ravenclaw together). It's the familiar kind of pity, too like his own self-pity whenever he used to see Teddy with Victoire, and now when he sees Teddy with all those other girls from Teddy's work at the Ministry. James vows to keep an eye on Hugo, because even though the two aren't particularly close, they do have two things in common. (Being gay and having an unrequited love. Other than that, the two really couldn't be more different—James is going into professional Quidditch and has very brown eyes and a tall figure, whereas Hugo loves books and academics and can hardly fly on a broom.)

Later, they're having dinner (technically it's not Christmas dinner yet, but it's close enough), when Hugo decides to announce it. James really wasn't expecting this, seeing as how he never actually _came out_ to his family, instead just brought a boy home over the summer one year and casually flirted with him until knowingness came into his dad and mum's eyes. Albus, of course, already knew and barely batted an eyelash, and Lily just smiled whenever she saw James after that.)

Hugo, normally rather quiet compared to the rambunctiousness and tempers of his other cousins (and Rose, his older sister, who is practically famous for her temper), attempts to get their attention during one of the few lulls in conversation.

Only James and Lily notice, but that's enough because Lily quickly shuts everyone up.

"Hey!" She shouts, naturally loud voice effectively silencing everyone else. With a deceptively sweet smile (sometimes James thinks she should've been a Slytherin like Al), she says in a calmer tone, "Hugo has something to say."

Ron grins at his son and raises his Butterbeer, "Well, Huey, go on then!"

Hermione also smiles, more gently, at Hugo, more quietly encouraging him. Hugo has never made a dinner announcement before, even if almost everyone else has. Hugo's entire face and ears burn red when everyone's attention turns on him, a trait he very obviously picked up from his father.

"Oh, er," he starts, faltering with his eyes darting around nervously. "Well… it's really not that important…" he trails off and looks at his food.

Lily slaps him on the back.

"Of course it is, Hue!" She says. "Come on, just be out with it."

She looks at James and winks, signaling that she already knows what he's going to say. Next to Lily, Lorcan also encourages Hugo.

Lysander, on Hugo's other side, is mysteriously silent. Luna stares at her son with dreamy understanding, occasionally swinging her head between Lysander and Hugo as if she could see the wrackspurts buzzing in their ears and muddling up their brains and opinions and self-confidence.

"Er, well, you see," Hugo stutters, both of his parents smiling and waiting, "what I mean to say is that… I… like… er, boys."

Ron freezes for a moment, as though he heard incorrectly, and Hermione's cheeks turn a little pink, but most of the girls at the table squeal happily. Scorpius and Albus trade knowing looks. James' dad fixes his eyes on James, briefly, and James looks right back. Comprehension passes through them, as well.

"Alright, Hugo?" James hears himself say, and before he knows it, he's leaned over and ruffled Hugo's hair like he does it every day. "Me too, kid."

It's the first time he's said it out loud, and certainly the first time a few of his relatives have heard it, but it's still not that shocking, not that dangerous. It's worth it too, the way Hugo smiles at him. Hugo's cute when he smiles, all dimples and freckles with a telltale gap in his teeth that Hermione promises every year to get rid of but never does.

James can feel Teddy's gaze burning the back of his neck, but he ignores it in favor of smiling back.

Ron finally comes out of his stupor and replies, "That's, er, that's great, Hugo. I'm glad you felt you could tell us." He gives his son an almost tentative smile, but Hermione holds Ron's hand with reassurance and gives her husband a proud look for taking it so well.

Hugo's face brightens even more, and although James sees the slightly hurt look he gives a silent Lysander, the rest of the night is spent pleasantly.

James goes, that night, to the room Hugo shares with Louis, Lysander, and Lorcan. He knows Louis is busy prettying himself up to go to sleep (god knows why, but Louis is certainly something else entirely, namely a male Veela) and he overheard both Lorcan and Lysander visiting Lily.

So he enters without fear, knocking once and then opening the door and popping his head in. Hugo sits on top of his covers and glances up at James when he looks in.

"Can I come in?" James asks pleasantly.

"Of course," Hugo says quietly. He slides over on the bed when James comes to sit beside him.

"That was good today, what you did," James says. "It was brave."

Hugo's face flushes a bit. "Er, thanks," he replies, as uncertain as ever. "I didn't really know what I was doing, though. I mean, er, I don't know _why_ I did it."

"It was very sudden," James agrees. "But sometimes you just need to get it out, don't you?"

Hugo looks at him, a different sort of smile tugging at the corners of his lips. It's slyer, and it kind of reminds James of the way Al smiles sometimes. It's still shyer than Al, though, which is saying something.

"Yes," Hugo says, "I just needed to get it out."

They sit there in comfortable silence for a while, James studying his cousin's profile, and then the book he'd been reading.

Suddenly, Hugo questions, "How do you do it?"

He looks straight at James, strangely unashamed. James supposes the boy has to be unashamed sometimes. Hugo seems to spend so much of his time timidly tiptoeing his way through life. Personally, James would find that very tiring.

"Do what?" James responds, even though he has an inkling he knows what Hugo is talking about. Still, it's not good to make assumptions.

Hugo pauses, pursing his lips in a way that _definitely_ mirrors Aunt Hermione. "It's just so hard," he explains, sounding tired and too old for his age. "Hiding it, I mean."

James shrugs. "I never really had to."

Hugo gives him a look, also reminiscent of his mother, but this time it clearly reads "stop being an idiot and dancing around the real question here."

James sighs and crosses his arms over his chest, leaning back against the bed's backboard. His eyes find the cracks in the ceiling, which is painted a truly ridiculous neon green, courtesy, no doubt, of Dominique when she lived here.

"You mean Teddy?" He asks, knowing that Hugo does. The boy nods, fiddling with the blankets on the bed. "It's hard, yeah, and tiring, too, but mostly it's just worth it."

He avoids Hugo's empathetic puppy-dog gaze as best he can, but those eyes, man. They draw you in.

"Worth it?" Hugo repeats, face twisting up with re-found hesitation.

"I wouldn't ever want to lose his friendship," James replies gently, remembering the way Hugo looked at Lysander and the way Lysander never spared a glance for poor Hugo. "Then again," he says with a wry smile, "perhaps some risks are worth taking, too."

Hugo gulps and nods and the silence returns for a short while.

Then, Hugo lets out a huff. "Why can't we all be like Albus and Scorpius?" He questions, without a hint of real animosity.

James barks out a laugh (and it's the kind of laugh that makes his dad _look_ at him sometimes, look at him like that laughter reminds him of someone else, someone dead. James has never asked.) and reaches over to ruffle Hugo's hair again.

"Not all of us can have the epic love of Albus and Scorpius because those two were born inherently perfect, of course," he answers dramatically, placing a hand over his heart.

Hugo snorts with laughter, and then James is gone too.

"Wow, a lot of Harry Potter's kids are gay," Hugo says through his laughter.

James just laughs even harder, because it's all on poor Lily now to bring their mum and dad grandkids.

They talk a little more, and James tries to read one of Hugo's books, but he quickly gets bored. He leaves, then, but not before grabbing Hugo in a headlock and kissing him right on the top of his auburn locks.

Their hair colors are another trait that they (almost) share in common (James' hair is a bit darker, redder, and Hugo's browner), and Hugo lets out a giggle of delight.

"Come talk to me any time, kid," James calls over his shoulder as he leaves. Hugo gives him another one of those big, goofy smiles, and when James exits, closing the door behind him, he sees Ron hovering in the hall, as uncertain as his son so often is.

Ron gives him an anxious look. James smiles encouragingly.

"You should go in," he suggests, motioning to the door. "He'd like to talk to you, I think."

Ron nods and braces his shoulders, moving past James to knock.

As James heads downstairs to his own room, nearly flinching when he passes Teddy's closed, locked door from which he can hear a few moans and grunts (Teddy brought home a girlfriend this time), he thinks of Hugo and Lysander and Albus and Scorpius. He thinks of Uncle Ron, who tries really hard, and of his dad and mum, who have always been so supportive.

Maybe it's even okay that Teddy doesn't love him back, if James has all these wonderful people who really do love him in his life.

**III. butterflies kissing **

The day James gets back from Hogwarts for the first time, he is promptly tackled by his little sister, who cries into his should and Albus, who just hugs James' arm to his chest a little, as if to say _well, I missed you, but not_ that_ much_. It's actually kind of nice.

His dad gives him a large grin and they hug, too, and then the Man Who Lived asks all about his year and what the Gryffindor House is like and all of it, because obviously Harry Potter kind of misses being a school kid, despite all the crap that went on during his time.

His mum embraces him tightly, eyes crinkling when she smiles, and shushes his dad and promises James she'll make his favorite dinner tonight.

Lily holds his hand as they leave King's Cross, and when James waves goodbye to Declan Finnigan, Lily copies him, earning a giggle from Declan's little sister Regina.

"What's it like at Hogwarts, Jamie?" Lily asks, still holding his hand when they get to the Ministry car that their dad drives.

"It's wonderful, Lils," he says, amused because he told her all about Hogwarts over Christmas. Then again, he hasn't seen her at all since then, so she must've missed him. It brings warmth flooding through his chest.

Albus is quiet beside them, not quite touching James, but standing closer than usual, and James supposes Albus must've missed him, too.

"How was Italy?" He wonders, glancing at both his siblings. After Valentine's Day for a few months, Albus and Lily had gone to Italy with Hugo and Rose and stayed with Dean Thomas and his wife. Mr. Thomas worked there for the Ministry (for the moment), but the Potters were their family friends, so every so often they got to visit Rome, Venice, Florence, and the other beautiful cities in Italy. James used to like it a lot, but he supposes he won't be going for a while, now.

"Oh, it was wonderful!" Lily gushes, launching into a story about some old magical ruins they'd visited.

James listens, but stares out the window at the dark, rolling clouds that cover the London skyline as they drive away.

By the time they get to the house and have dinner, it's already raining and rumbles of thunder can be heard.

James and Albus, of course, find this extremely exciting.

"Let's go out in the rain for a bit," James suggests. So the two run outside, shoving aside their mother's exasperated protests, and splash around in the puddles forming on their porch and on the stone pathway leading into the forest.

Albus pulls James down into the mud, so James smashes his little brother's face into it, effectively dirtying up the glasses that rest precariously on the tip of Al's nose.

Albus makes a face and kicks him, and soon they're wrestling, slick with mud and rain, until they exhaust themselves.

"Do you have friends?" Albus asks suddenly, staring at the dark sky and getting rain all in his eyelashes.

James jolts from it, twisting his upper body to get a better look at his brother and blinking with surprise.

"What do you mean? Of course I have friends!" He exclaims, disgruntled that Al would think otherwise.

Al frowns. "It's just that, you didn't invite any of them for the summer. I was sure you would if you had any."

James grins. "I _do_ have friends, like Declan and Freddie and Marietta, Al! I just thought we could spend some time together this summer, instead."

Al seems pleased by that, and they lapse into silence until their mother shouts at them to get in the house.

He takes a shower and dries off, dumping his wet, muddy clothing in the hamper. He dresses quickly and dives under the warm covers of his bed. It's late enough that, at twelve, James is tired and wants to go to sleep.

He's just drifting off, ready to dream of the magical hallways of Hogwarts, when his door creaks open.

The shutters outside his window rattle with the wind of the storm (which has picked up since he and Al went out there, and now there are flashes of lightning and rumbling thunder all around them), but the light that peeks into his room from the hallway is enough to signal him that the creak wasn't just the house swaying in the wind.

"Al?" He asks, sitting up and expecting to see his little brother standing there. He's surprised to find that it's Lily instead, looking small and maybe a little frightened, highlighted by the eerie light coming from the doorway.

"Lils? What are you doing here?" She shakes her head a little, wandering further into his room. James pushes his covers back and makes to walk toward her, but then he stops, feeling sympathetic.

"Come here, then," he says, motioning to his bed and scooting over to make room for her. "I'm cold and the storm is pretty scary, huh?"

Lily almost smiles, at that, and makes her way over quietly, sliding under the covers and wrapping her skinny arms around his torso. James pulls the covers over them both, firmly, and tucks her in. Then he rests his head on his pillow and curves his arms around her body, holding her small form to him.

Lily shifts upward until her nose is in his neck and he can feel her heartbeat next to his. He lowers his head until she is tucked underneath his chin, warm and safe and quiet.

They fall asleep like that.

The next morning, James wakes up slowly. It's grey outside from the storm the night before, but there's enough light that he can see where he put his glasses earlier. Lily is still there, sound asleep and curled in his arms.

He grins down at her, careful not to move too much and wake her. In order to get some pressure of his arm, which has long since fallen asleep and prickles all over, James shifts her until he can twist around and bring it out. He pulls her up closer and leans down to brush their cheeks together, his eyelashes gently tickling her freckled skin with tender affection.

Their mum comes in later to wake James up and finds them this way, James is already sleeping once again.

**IV. eskimos in the sun**

James gets his first [secret] boyfriend in third year, when he's thirteen going on fourteen and far too _ready_ for everything. It's actually kind of stupid, thinking about it later when James will take out old pictures and see Richard Nott staring back at him, deadpan, or sitting on one of the chairs in the library with an eyebrow raised at whoever (probably Declan) was taking the picture with one of his arms around James.

Still, though, it's nice in that year, easing into something as random and completely stupid as a relationship. Richard is a fourth year Gryffindor, so at least James got the house right, even if their ages were a little bit of a stretch when James was that young.

It doesn't matter though, because they do _like_ each other, and Richard's awfully nice in this sarcastic, dry sort of way. James likes him because he's cute and plays Quidditch too and always compliments James on his hair and his eyes and all sorts of other things James doesn't really like about himself.

So, they start dating. Richard asks him to Hogsmeade one day and Declan encourages James to accept, if only for the experience. They have a blast, doing friend-like things together and later, Richard pays for James' Butterbeer at The Three Broomsticks, which is sort of date-like.

Later that week, Richard actually _asks him out_, which is huge, both Declan and Marietta assure him. It makes James nervous and giddy, but he nonetheless plays excellently in the Quidditch game two days later, feeling as joyful as he is.

They don't do anything, not really, because Richard is kind of emotionally stunted from being the only Gryffindor in his pureblood, Slytherin family, and therefore largely ignored, and James is still so young. But they do hold hands and sometimes James will kiss Richard's cheek, or Richard will kiss James' nose, or they'll sit on each other and joke around.

Marietta thinks it's sweet, Declan thinks it's disgusting in that two-of-my-friends-are-being-adorable-together kind of way, and Freddie doesn't seem to notice at all, so wrapped up in his own little world. But it's nice.

On Valentine's Day they skip the feast and Richard takes him to one of the oaks by the pond and they sit under it with a makeshift picnic that James bribed Duffy the House Elf to bring them. Another couple is on the other side, snogging, but they manage to ignore them and have a good time.

At the end of the picnic, James leans forward, as if to kiss Richard, but instead he just rubs their noses together affectionately. The sun beats down on them through the branches of the oak tree, but the breeze is cool on their skin. Richard seems a little taken aback, but he also doesn't seem to mind much, and they leave holding hands.

It's all very romantic until the summer when they break up under mutual terms that sometimes things _change _over the summer.

And they do. For one, James realizes that he's kind of in love with Teddy (which is both horrifying and stabilizing at the same time), and Richard is forced into an early engagement with Dahlia Zabini. The next year, they glance at each other sadly sometimes, but Dahlia (a slimy little Slytherin, who, admittedly, is gorgeous, even to someone gay like James) clings to Richard like a leech and they never really fix things. Once, James sends him a note that mentions that Draco and Astoria Malfoy had an arranged marriage, and here they are, perfectly, happily in love and their son is [relatively] normal. Richard gives him a bemused, fond, longing glance in Transfiguration the next day, but never sends anything back.

Eventually, James just kind of gives up on him and moves on with his life. There's no use in dwelling on _two _people at once, after all, and he already does enough brooding over Teddy. His youth is a time to have fun, not be a stiff, sullen arsehole. Having good friends and a good family helps, too.

That's also the year that Teddy started going out with Victoire, but James tries not to let it bother him.

Even if Teddy never comes around (which he probably won't, seeing as how James intends to keep his little crush a secret from _Teddy_, at least, until the day he dies), James knows that sometimes it's not worth it to ruin friendships and families over love alone.

Besides, James is relatively happy, so what does it matter, anyways? Uncle Charlie is still unmarried (well, to a person, but perhaps his work is enough for him) and seems extremely happy.

He mentions some of this to his father after bringing Declan home for the summer and blatantly flirting with him until his family got the point, and Harry looks at him for a moment, contemplative.

All he says, though, is, "Love is the most powerful, important in the universe, Jamie. Nothing will ever change that. Romantic love is nice sure, but familial love has always been the strongest, to me, at least."

He seems to mean it, too, so James nods and accept his father's words of wisdom like he's sure his dad used to accept Dumbledore's.

James still thinks about Teddy, though, and can't really help it when his father catches him staring at the other boy (man, now really) in a way that is vaguely reminiscent of a lost puppy. James will just smile at his father whenever that happens, though, and move on, like he does with so many other things.

(Later, his father will sit him down and mention, casually, just once, that sometimes James reminds him of Sirius Black. When James finds out about Sirius and Remus, he'll wonder if his dad did that intentionally, or if he's just a lucky bastard that way.)

**V. blowing kisses away**

James is eighteen, spending a few months at his parents' house before he starts traveling around in search of a Quidditch team fit for him. Hopefully not the Chuddley Cannons, not that he would ever tell Uncle Ron that. They just weren't really James' favorite team.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how one looked at it, Teddy also happened to be staying for a short while with his godparents. Of course, Teddy and James got along well, they always had, but James' unrequited love for Teddy had been, lately, like a rope of tension around James' neck, slowly tightening. Reminding him constantly that he doesn't deserve Teddy, that Teddy will never love him, not one bit.

James didn't really need that in his life.

Nevertheless, it's kind of nice, being around again after studying abroad in Canada and the United States for a year (the Salem Witches Institute has a really tragic, interesting background story he'd learned), seeing everyone.

All of their various relatives and close friends come to visit for one afternoon or another, so James quickly reacquaints himself with them, making sure, as well, to spend time with his brother and sister.

Albus takes breaks from studying (needlessly early, mind you) for N.E.W.T.S to snog his boyfriend, Scorpius (much to their fathers' horror), and to pester James. Although James acts like he hates it, he really doesn't. It's going to be odd, seeing Al even less after he leaves.

Lily also has a boyfriend—Lorcan Scamander—but they never snog where the 'rents can see them, knowing well enough that Ginny thinks they're both too young and Harry kind of wants to murder Lorcan any time he sees him even relatively close to Lily. She, as well, has her fun with James, but a lot of her time is eaten up attempting to set up poor Hugo and Lysander.

It's not that Lysander hasn't come to terms with the fact that he's gay. Being Luna's son, not knowing was never really an option. It's not even that he doesn't realize he likes, or even _doesn't_ like, Hugo—he knows he does—it's just that… he's terrible, romantically. Plenty of Ravenclaws are.

So, while Lysander skitters around, stuttering out attempts to ask Hugo on some dreamy date, Lily watches from the sidelines. Hugo himself has tried to ask Lysander out, but the other boy never lets him finish. Poor Hugo. James would help him if he could.

Freddie and Frankie are around often enough to play pranks on _everyone_, much to Professor Longbottom's, er, _Neville's_ dismay. He spends more time running after them (and getting back into shape while he's at it, James might add) than he does with his wife, Hannah, who seems to find the whole thing extremely amusing.

Teddy hangs around and James talks to him. A lot, seeing as how they're sharing a room this year.

Teddy likes to turn his hair ridiculous colors, and he has actual muggle piercings to top it off. He likes Weird Sisters t-shirts and skinny jeans (which Gram definitely does not approve of. Grandpa, however, finds them very _curious_ and likes to ask questions about Teddy's latest muggle fashions). James, meanwhile, likes to amuse him and, when he goes out shopping with Lily or Albus or Rose or Lucy or Molly or Louis or whoever asks him that day because he can drive an actual car now, like a normal person, buys Teddy a new earring or lip ring. Upon finding out Teddy obtained a tongue piercing sometime over the past year, James bought him an electric blue stud (Teddy's favorite hair color, and therefore probably favorite color in general).

And no, James did _not_ think about how it would feel to kiss Teddy with that damned tongue ring. Ever. Not once.

At the moment, James takes a break from all the family craziness (he loves his family, he really does, but there's only so much time you can spend with so many ridiculous personalities at once) to sit back and relax and listen to some music while he's at it. And _not_ Teddy's damned indie-rock stuff that isn't the oldies (like the Weird Sisters), but classical music because it's a secret passion of James'. Sh, don't tell anyone or his reputation will be ruined.

So, sitting by the window in his and Teddy's room, James jams out to his wand, which he "installed" several muggle tunes to play in. He's rather good with all the technology stuff, really.

That's why he doesn't notice when Teddy comes in, or when Teddy walks up behind him, an eyebrow raised and a smirk crossing his handsome face. It's also why James shrieks like Albus when he's being tickled when Teddy pokes him in the back.

"Teddy!" He shouts, spinning around. "What the fuck!?"

Teddy laughs like a maniac, throwing back his head. James follows the line of his jaw to his neck to the tan skin of his collar bone and feels more than a little lost. At least he can blame the pounding of his heart on the scare, this time.

"Jamie," Teddy gasps through laughter, "you should have seen your face!"

Pursing his lips (and telling himself that, no, he does _not _look like his mother when he does that), James works on calming his heart. And then he glares, oh he glare in that way that Ginny does sometimes. The kind of glare that makes people _wither_. Lily does it better, of course, but James is still better than Albus, who always ends up looking too much like their dad when he's trying to be _stern_.

Teddy's laughter finally dies away, and he claps James on the shoulder. James tries not to feel the warmth it bleeds out, all over his skin, like a burn of some kind. Oh, yes, he's got it bad. But he knows that.

"Why are you here?" He asks with and exasperated roll of his eyes.

Teddy waggles his eyebrows in that _way_, and replies, "To get you. Dinner's ready."

James huffs out a sigh and stands up fully. He follows Teddy out the door, pointedly _not _looking at the man's arse as he does.

"Is it my favorite?" He wonders, sniffing for the telltale scent of American barbequed ribs that he likes so much.

Teddy turns to him, highlighted by the light shining through the window, and he _takes James' breath away_, like that. James' heart catches in his chest, throbbing, but not like before. It's painful now, to say the least, but also kind of pleasant. Teddy's golden eyes (he likes that color best, a tribute to both his father and his House) sparkle just so, just right. His cheekbones, defined before, absolutely _glow_. James thinks, "this is how he always looks, right?" because he really can't imagine Teddy any other way.

James thinks, "he's so breathtaking" and "I kind of hate myself" and, simply, "I love you."

The moment is broken by the screeching of a cat, probably Rose's, and Teddy says, "Of course it's your favorite, silly! You're leaving tomorrow, after all."

And, _bloody hell_. The guy actually looks sad about that. James falls uncharacteristically silent as they move down the stairs, always keeping himself a step behind Teddy.

When they reach the bottom floor, welcomed by smiling faces and laughter and other delightful things, James remembers sunlight and a smirking face.

The next day they all head to the train station, all twenty-something of them (which is ridiculous, by the way, but then again, so is James' family…), just to see him off.

It's kind of like when he left for Canada a year earlier, but at least then, they'd known he was coming back. Now, he can tell, they're not so sure.

He hugs his cousins, giving Hugo an extra squeeze because Lysander actually held Hugo's hand today (much to Luna's delight; she took a picture). Then he moves onto his various aunts and uncles, actually blood-related or not, giving them all a tight embrace before he leaves. He even hugs Uncle Percy, who's so stiff in the hug that James kind of wants to laugh, but doesn't because that would just discourage the poor man.

Then it's his parents' turn, and his mum comes at him with tears in her eyes, so he's extra careful with her, resting his head on her shoulder and patting her back. His dad puts a hand on his shoulder, like all those years ago after he restituted Albus and scared himself so much, and then they give each other a "man hug," because that's what fathers and sons do (Aunt Hermione lets out a sigh that sounds suspiciously like _"boys"_).

Finally, he gets to two of his three favorite people in the world, Albus and Lily. Lily throws herself at him with a squeal, entirely letting go and even crying into his shoulder a bit.

He scoops her up, even though she's older now, and bigger, he scoops her up like a baby, and she wraps her arms and legs around him.

"Aw, Lils, I'll be back before you know it," he reassures, kissing her briefly on the forehead. Lily still sniffles, but lets go so that Al can get at James.

The two trade some banter, like, "I hope you die out there," and "I know you'll fail all your N.E. , so what's the point of studying so much, loser?" but then they're hugging so hard that James can feel every bone in Albus' body, can feel his baby brother's heart beat next to his own, over his own (because, damn, Al has gotten tall, now, hasn't he?). James lets out a breath and kisses he crown of Al's head, right in the midst of that crazy hair of his. Al lets out a chuckle and steps back, eyes, perhaps, a little misty.

James gives Scorpius a handshake and a few words.

"If you break my brother's heart," he hisses kindly, "and I'll break your face."

Scorpius nods cheerfully, the bastard, and says, "Will do, James."

James shakes his head.

Then, he picks up his bags, and with Teddy's help, heads for the train. When they reach the doors, Teddy helps him load them on, and James steps onto the platform, ready to leave. Teddy calls after him, though.

"Not going to give me a goodbye hug, Jamie?" He asks, smirking like he always does.

James returns the smirk with one of his own (well, okay, maybe it's one he copied from a picture of Sirius Black, but whatever) and leans in, dangerously close.

"I was waiting for you to ask, Teddy," he replies.

They put their arms around each other and squeeze, and James breathes in Teddy's scent, happy and sad at the same time. Bittersweet blood rushes through his veins, and, for a second, James considers just… confessing. Confessing right there and then and then leaving. But that would be so unfair, so cruel to Teddy that he just can't do it.

Instead, James pulls away, gives Teddy his most charming grin and boards completely, sitting in his seat just as the doors close and the horn blares loudly.

From the window, James can see his family standing and waving, Lily bouncing up and down, crying a little, and Albus holding hands with Scorpius, the oddest, most nostalgic look on his face that James has ever seen.

He reaches up to wave, but stops halfway through and instead puts a hand to his lips, kisses the fingers and blows dramatically to them.

Lily pretends to catch it, and puts her hand to her cheek. Albus rolls his eyes, but James can see the way his lips twitch, amused. His mum blows one back, as does most of his female relatives.

Teddy, though, as the train [and James] pulls away, just winks.

James wonders what the bloody hell that means.

**VI. kiss of death (+1)**

James decides to visit Bulgaria on the Tuesday after winning his latest Quidditch with his team, the Appleby Arrows. He visits, of course, to see Viktoria Krum's gigantic house, and because he heard Dean Thomas and the rest of the Seeking Out Undesirables Liaison (aka S.O.U.L) were there on a lead that would, presumably, lead them to a group of Dementors.

After Voldemort's death, a lot of people were angry. Which, James thinks, is understandable. A lot of people had something (or some_one_) important taken from them, so it made sense. Naturally, Voldemort had rallied up a lot of so-called "undesirables," or species of creatures that people didn't want around. At least, they didn't want around the evil ones.

For most of these creatures, negotiations could be made, compromises could be reached. The giants agreed to live in peace as long as they were not hunted down or looked down on. The same for the few gigantic spiders left living in the Forbidden Forest.

Werewolves were tricky, for the most part, but that's why the National Werewolf Rights Association came about (it's unofficial name was, of course, Remus Lupin's NWRA, but whatever). Hermione Granger-Weasley herself started it, along with several people's help, and those werewolves that participated in the final battle who were on Voldemort's side were treated, as they should be, as Death Eaters. Each one received a fair trial, but ultimately, most of them were put in Azkaban.

There are, however, some creatures that where it simply wasn't possible to make _negotiations._ Creatures considered so vile, so terrifying that no one really wants them around anymore. The Dementors are such creatures, so S.O.U.L. was formed. It uses a specially trained group of Aurors to go and hunt down Dementors (or other Undesirables) and put them in an even more secretive prison than Azkaban.

James isn't sure about the morality of it, but then again, Dementors don't really… have souls, so he's pretty sure he shouldn't feel too bad for them.

Nevertheless, the team is made up of people he knows—Dean Thomas, Seamus Finnigan, and now (after several retirements of other Aurors) the newly instituted Marietta Thomas and Declan Finnigan, as well as Dominique Weasley. And, of course, he can't forget Teddy Lupin.

With Dean soon retiring, and Seamus probably following him, Teddy will be the most experienced member on the team. He'll have to look after Declan and Marietta and Dominique and look into more transfers. James is sure they won't be able to see each other for a while, so he decides to take this chance and visit Teddy.

He hasn't seen Teddy in almost three years, now.

The other man is nearing his thirties, for god's sake, and James is so fucking nervous to see him again.

But he goes, he goes because he _misses _Teddy (and Lily and Al and his parents and his cousins and his aunts and uncles) and he wants to talk with him like they used to. Casually, able to say anything.

Declan probably won't be able stop making dirty insinuations about their relationship, but that's Declan for you. Seamus is probably having a ball with his own son on the team.

So James goes, staying at a remote, but beautiful, hotel in Bulgaria's capital, and he manages to contact Dominique through Lily (who used Hugo, then Louis to get to her) to find out when they can all meet up.

Domi, delighted at the chance to see her absent cousin after three years and also take a break from the work for a while, suggests they all go to dinner Saturday evening.

"Sounds good, Domi," he responds warmly.

They say their goodbyes and hang up, and then James is left all alone with his doubts and that one outfit that actually looks really good on him.

Teddy will probably show up in skinny jeans and a ripped t-shirt, but whatever. Sue James for wanting to look good because, despite all the time and how much James knows he and Teddy will never be, he does want to maybe just spark a little _something_ in the other man.

Like, if Teddy were to look at him and just think (or say) "looking good, Jamie." That would totally make James' day.

He gets ready in under an hour, which is less than Albus does when he goes out on a date with Scorpius, so James considers it a win. He looks pretty good, too, in black slacks and a white button-up. He doesn't wear a tie (those got pretty old, after Hogwarts), but he does wear the leather jacket that Teddy sent him for his last birthday.

He also collects the presents for the others, wine for Dean and Seamus, a few lovely pieces of jewelry for Marietta and Dominique, earrings for Teddy, and a signed poster from Liam Hillsworth for Declan. He'll love it, James knows.

He arrives just on time, which is nice, and immediately sees Marietta and Dean already there, notoriously early as always.

"Jamie, it's so good to see you!" Marietta says, hugging him briefly. Dean nods, and they shake hands.

"Good to see you too, Mari," he answers. "And you, Mr. Thomas."

"Please, call me Dean, James," the older man corrects him.

"You look great," he tells Marietta honestly, who is just as pretty as her mother, but with her father's impeccable mocha-colored skin.

"You too, Jamie," she whispers. "Pretty spiffy getup you got there. For anyone special?"

She says it with a knowing gleam in her eye, but James just laughs and lies, "Of course. All this is for Declan, naturally."

Marietta laughs too, then, as does Dean, and they sit and wait.

Dominique and Teddy are next, Domi coming up behind him to steal a hug and say hello. Teddy claps him on the shoulder warmly, and smiles in a way that makes his perfect golden eyes crinkle just so.

"Where have you been, Jamie?" He says for greeting.

"We haven't seen you in forever," Dominique scolds, flipping her strawberry blonde hair over her shoulder.

James smiles wryly. "I know, and I'm sorry. I'll visit home soon, hopefully."

Domi just shakes her head and sits next to him, Teddy gracefully accepting the seat to his left.

The Finnigan's arrive slightly late, as per usual, but it's definitely fun to see Declan again.

After they all order, James presents the magically expanded black gift-bag that he has all their presents in, grinning.

"Ooh, presents!" Dominique squeals, smiling. "How fun!"

He gives Dean and Seamus their drinks, which makes the men smile, at least, and thank him.

"And for you," he says, giving Marietta her necklace. "This one's for you." He hands Dominique a box with a pendant and a ring in it.

Then, he puts the bag down and whistles innocently, feeling Declan and Teddy's glares on the back of his head. It brings a smirk to his face. It's kind of been a while since he felt those glares.

"It's beautiful," Marietta says, leaning over Domi to hug him. "Thank you so much."

Domi says the same, and kisses him on the cheek.

Declan and Teddy remain present-less.

James sees the identical amused smiles that grace Seamus and Dean's faces at that. Dominique just raises an eyebrow and shakes her head, reminding him of Bill, a little, and Marietta rolls her eyes. (_"Boys,"_ she huffs, like Hermione).

"So, mate," Declan sing-songs, "you got anything else in that bag?"

James shrugs nonchalantly, "I might."

"Really?" Declan asks suspiciously.

"Really," James deadpans.

They stare at each other.

Declan's lips twitch once, and then he's laughing, signaling James' win. Smirking triumphantly, James gets Declan's present out.

Declan, naturally, shrieks like a girl when he sees it.

"Sorry, didn't get you anything, mate," James says, blinking innocuously at Teddy. Teddy sees right through him, though.

"No?" He asks, smiling mysteriously.

"Nope!" James replies cheerfully.

"Hmm," Teddy says, shaking his head.

James laughs, and leans down once more to get Teddy's present. Of course, because James has flawless taste, Teddy loves the Dancing Death Eater earrings and the Candy Corn flavored tongue piercing. Teddy loves weird, random shit like that.

"Awesome," he says coolly.

"I know," James says smugly.

Marietta, once more, shakes her head, while Dean, Seamus, and Declan shake with laughter. Dominique, worryingly, just looks a bit sadly at James.

They have dinner and talk, and it's honestly quite wonderful, because as much as James loves his team, he loves his family even more, and both Teddy and Dominique have a lot of news to tell him.

"I think Albus and Scorpius are going to get married," Dominique admits while the others are entertained by a joke Declan is telling. "There hasn't been an official announcement, but Lily says that it's coming and she's usually right, you know."

James is actually shocked.

"Wow," he breathes, tipping his chair back. "That's big." His baby brother, getting married before him.

Then, he grins. "Draco and dad must be pleased about that."

Dominique rolls her eyes. "Oh, of _course_," she agrees. "Your mum's thrilled, though. She and Astoria do get along eerily well, after all."

"Scorpius better ask for Al's hand in marriage," James says primly once he stops laughing. That gets Dominique laughing, too.

"Naturally," she concurs.

By the time desert comes, James is feeling mighty stuffed, but you never turn down a good desert (Gram taught him that, of course), so he digs into whatever it is they put in front of him without complaint.

"So, how are you?" Teddy asks, privately this time.

"Good," James sighs, "for the most part, I mean."

Teddy smiles, "Good."

James studies him for a bit after that, his handsome god-brother, and kind of sort of wishes things could be different between them. But James knows best of all that they can't.

"How are _you_?" He asks, suddenly, because he wants to know, more than anything, that Teddy is doing okay. That Teddy is happy. That's all that really matters, anymore.

"Alright," Teddy replies. "The job is fun."

James grins widely, "Good! I'd hate for you to be bored. You'd start getting wrinkles, old man."

Teddy hits him on the shoulder, and even though there's this strange sort of fluttering sensation in James' stomach, the kind he gets whenever he's nervous and sad and terrified all at the same time. Like that time when Albus almost drowned, really.

He doesn't know why it pops up then.

James spends three more nights in Bulgaria, absent-mindedly trailing the case S.O.U.L. is working on and just relaxing after three years of almost non-stop training and work. It's nice to have people to be with and not have to talk to at all, really. To just be in their presence and feel inherently _comfortable_ all the time.

Even with Teddy, it's like that, simply because although James is _in love _with Teddy, he also kind of _loves_ Teddy, too. James supposes he'd be more pushy and broody about the whole thing if he didn't feel that way, so he's grateful he does.

He likes to take walks, too, here, up and down the foreign streets.

It's on one of these days, when he's alone and taking a walk that it happens. James really should have known better. None of Harry Potter's children can go their whole life without having a death-defying incident.

For Al, it was that time he drowned. And then that time he was poisoned. And then that time he came fell off the Astronomy tower at Hogwarts because he's a fucking idiot. Albus gets in trouble a lot, to say the least.

For Lily, it was when she broke her arm and leg falling off the broom and that time she got a little too close to an accidental case of fiend fire that destroyed one of the dungeons.

James has really never had any incidents like that, which is no doubt the reason his parents trust him far more to go off on his own. They'd worry too much about Al and Lily.

Not that they _don't_ worry about James, they just do it less. And he's not upset about that. His parents deserve a little peace of mind every so often, especially his poor, paranoid dad.

Of course, this would happen to James when he's out of the country and on _vacation_. Of course.

He gets a little lost in a group of winding alleyways, but he doesn't freak out, because there's always some directional spell he can use to help himself. He turns a corner when he sees the other man, slumped against the rough stone wall of a building, head almost tipping completely into his lap.

Concerned, James makes his way toward the man, who looks like he could be seriously ill. Or worse, dead. James tries not to think about it.

"Hullo?" He calls quietly. "Sir?"

Most people in Bulgaria would understand those two words, but the man doesn't respond. James feels dread curl in his stomach, his hands and forehead go clammy with cold swear. Curiosity and concern, however, push him forward.

Kneeling beside the prone figure, James sets his want on the ground beside him. It rolls a bit away, falling into the cracks of the cobblestone, but James pays it no mind.

"Hey," he says, a little louder this time, "are you alright?"

He reaches out to shake the man's shoulder, spreading his fingers over the cold, rough material of the man's shirt and feeling the hard bone of his shoulder underneath. It's almost terrifying, this feeling that encases James, but not quite. It's more draining than that.

Weakly, now, horrible thoughts flooding through him, James shakes the man as gently as possible.

"Are you okay?" He asks again, voice oddly hoarse. His breath puffs out in the dim streetlight that's all the way on the other side of the alley. James shivers and wonders, briefly, when it got so cold.

He says briefly because then he's too utterly, appallingly _sad_. Despair drags at his heart, pulling him down. Doubts swirl around him, all of the ones he's ever felt over the years, and the bad memories—the ones where Al and Lily are hurt, the ones where his father yells at him for something stupid, and that one where Teddy tells him he hates him, he _hates _him, he'll _never love him! _(and that one might be a nightmare, a figment of James' wild imagination, but he doesn't know anymore, he can't tell, he doesn't understand the difference between the sorrow of the waking world and the melancholy of the dreaming one).

His arm freezes halfway to his wand, where it is so far away, as skeletal fingers slide around his wrist, so cold, so dreadful, so awful.

Futility sinks into James' veins, into his blood, and it seeps into his heart and his brain and his _soul_ at that touch.

He turns his head in succession with the raspy breathing that surrounds his ears, the horrible rattling that ripples through his head and his body and his everything else.

Fingers claw at his jawline, and James is _kissed_ by slimy, bony lips encased in a hood.

James' gaze clouds over, and the last of his strength ebbs, the last of his happiness—

"_Jamie, come play with me!" Lily shouts, arms open wide, mouth open wide, lovely like a butterfly—_

"_You're so stupid and sappy," Albus says, smirking and smiling at the same time, his eyes so like their fathers, but so different, James misses them, he _misses—

"_I am proud, you know," his father tells him, a solemn figure of survival from dark times, the scar hidden now, as always by his hair, so strong and proud—_

"_I could never stop loving you, baby," his mother whispers in his ear, rocking her in his arms and simply being, like all mothers are supposed to and James _loves _her, he—_

"_Jamie," Teddy breathes, "I'll never love you, mate." _

James gives up, his shudders still, his eyes frozen wide, open, staring into the forever that is true desolation. Vaguely, he thinks he hears shouting, in the distance, words of another life, of people who still live and breathe and love and laugh.

The devil face looks into his soul and _sucks, sucks it out_ and James cannot see anything more but his own bleakness, his own failures, and the true, unsalvageable horror of the world around him.

There is no _joy_—

_it's here that he feels at home_

no _peace_—

_in this house with them_

no _hope_—

_as they laugh and play and speak_

no _everlasting love—_

_and he loves them_

nothing his father promised—

_so very much_

The world goes black just as hope bleeds through, its light a shining, eternal beacon in the form of a chameleon.

James thinks it's extraordinarily fitting.

"Will he ever wake up?" Albus sounds strangely anxious to James, who is still lost somewhere in the folds of warm darkness surrounding him, but coming to, slowly, surely.

He wants to reassure Al, but he can't open his mouth. Which is weird, because James is always talking, really.

"I don't know," and that's his mother. She sounds like she's been crying. James tries a little harder to find his mouth. And maybe his eyes, too while he's at it.

"Of course he will," his father's voice is tight, tight with _something_ James can't quite place, but it is nevertheless completely comforting. "Jamie is strong. He'll wake up."

Yes, that's right. James has to wake up.

A hand, small, warm, curls around his. Lily's then. He'd recognize it anywhere.

"He's never gotten in trouble before," his mum suddenly says, choked and hoarse and sad. "He's always been so lucky, that way."

"Obviously, he was just waiting for this," Albus quips, but James can hear the fear behind his voice. He wants to ask why Albus is afraid, but he still can't find his mouth and he's starting to get tired.

The folds of darkness return to embrace him once more.

"He'll come back to us," his brave, brave dad says. "He'll come back."

James sleeps once more.

When James wakes up next, it's fully and he's alone. He doesn't know why he thought he wouldn't be honestly.

A nurse comes rushing in, of course, as soon as he opens his eyes, because St. Mungos is nothing if not the best, and James has been here enough times for his various relatives that he'd know a room anywhere.

"Dear boy, you're awake!" The nurse exclaims with genuine joy. "Your family will be so happy to know!"

James smiles weakly, still feeling slightly… out of it.

"Where, er, are they?" He asks, and it's quiet—too quiet, for his tastes, but it's all he can manage.

The nurse smiles kindly. "Oh, they were all here just a few minutes ago, arguing like _mad _let me tell you."

She gives him an amused look as she helps him sit up.

"You would wake up the one time there wasn't anybody to greet you, poor dear," she huffs, pulling the blankets around him more firmly. "Oh, well, I'll just have to call them back in."

She fixes him with a stern look.

"Now, don't you do anything or go anywhere, Mr. Potter," she scolds. She must know his father well, he thinks.

He nods in agreement, knowing that he probably couldn't do anything or go anywhere even if he wanted. The nurse smiles once more and leaves, shutting the door gently behind her.

James waits for the inevitable rush of relatives. He's particularly looking forward to Albus and Lily; he hasn't seen them in while.

He wonders, too, of course, why he's here and feeling so bad, but there will be time for questions later.

The door opens to surprising silence, and the nurse pops her head in, lips pursed.

"Alright, sweetheart, I'm going to let them in. Be careful."

James nods and tries to look at least a tad less pathetic than he already does. The door opens once more and Lily comes running in, tears streaming down her cheeks. Albus follows more quietly, and their parents behind him, but James can see from here the tear tracks on his little brother's face.

"Hey," he whispers, unable to raise his voice more than that.

Lily bursts into hysterical sobs, throwing her arms around him and squeezing tight. James doesn't mind one bit, rather enjoying the warmth and closeness of her body, but he doesn't quite have the strength in him to properly hug her back.

"James," Al whispers right back. He comes up to the other side of the bed and crawls on top of it, Lily already practically in James' lap, until he could hug his brother as well. James just spreads his arms wider, unable to do anything else.

"Oh, Jamie," his mother says, rushing to him and kissing his head. "You poor thing! We were so scared!"

His dad comes up as well, looking down at James with concerned, weary eyes. But they're also relieved. Happy to see him. James gives his dad a quirky smile.

"How long was I out?" He asks around Lily's hair. He finds a bit of strength in him to pat her on the back, once.

"Almost three weeks now," his dad says. His voice sounds like his eyes.

"Wow," James replies. Albus' head finds its way onto his shoulder. "Kinda long time, huh?"

"You have _no idea_," Al hisses against his neck.

James gives a feeble chortle at that because, well, it's true.

"I want to go home," he announces to the room. His mother and father exchange a look.

"You just woke up," Ginny says. "I don't think the doctors would let you."

The nurse comes in at that moment.

"Well, all he really needs is rest and to take this potion for the rest of the week." The nurse explains, sounding thoughtful. "It might actually be better for him to go back to an environment with lots of happy memories and the such."

His dad looks thoughtful at that, but eventually they agree to cart him back home. On the way, James is warned that someone will be with him at all times on suicide watch.

"I'm not suicidal, though," he says, confused.

His mother proceeds to look very sad and answers, "Well, no, but the after effects of what happened to you can be very strong and you might feel the urge to…" she trails off, unable to say it, so James just smiles and agrees.

They also mention that they haven't had time to tell everyone he's coming back yet, so it'll be a nice surprise.

Lily, leaning into to him in the car (the nurse told them that flooing there was a bad idea, as well as apparating, and no one seemed to want to leave James' side, so they all piled into Harry's car), tells him that by everyone, she means _everyone. _

Aunt Hermione and Uncle Ron, of course, with Rose and Hugo; Uncle George and Aunt Angelina with Freddie and Roxanne; Uncle Bill and Aunt Fleur with Louis; Victoire; Uncle Percy and Aunt Audrey with Molly and Lucy; Uncle Charlie; Aunt Luna and Uncle Rolf with Lysander and Lorcan; Dean Thomas and Marietta; Seamus and Declan; and, of course, Teddy and Dominique, who apparently, had come with him when _it _happened.

Naturally, Grandpa Arthur and Grandma Molly were already there, too, and Neville, Hannah, Frank, and baby Alice came up the second week after he didn't wake up. Scorpius, of course, was wherever Albus was when he needed support, and eventually his parents joined him because Astoria had wanted to visit Ginny anyway.

"That's a lot of people," James says, already feeling tired.

His mum sends him a nervous glance, but they continue on when he follows with, "I can't wait to see them."

James gets out of the car and goes into the house, helped along greatly by Albus. As soon as he opens the door, of course, there's dead silence. James grins at their white, shocked, relieved faces, and then it's like something exploded.

Dominique comes out of nowhere, not crying, but not quite holding it together.

"We thought you were going to die," she murmurs, pressing her face into his neck.

He's soon surrounded by a multitude of happy relatives, all who seem to want to cook for him and also smother him and let him rest.

"Alright!" Lily finally shouts as James snuggles standing up with Hugo. "Time for bed, Jamie! You can all creep on him later."

It's weird, but James doesn't see Teddy. Before he can dwell on it more, though, he's already falling asleep.

He wakes up again, and the light of dawn is flittering through the curtains, staining the blankets on his bed with grey light. James shifts a bit, sitting up until he's comfortable, still feeling that _unbearable _weakness in his bones, in his heart.

Then, he looks to the side and sees Teddy just sitting there, looking at him from the armchair near the bed.

"Teddy!" He gasps faintly. "I, er, haven't seen you."

For some reason, it's kind of awkward, maybe because Teddy is _looking _at him so intensely, and James doesn't know what to do or what to say.

"James," Teddy says slowly, as if tasting the word in his mouth.

James recognizes the look _then_, the one that flickers over Teddy's face at the end of his name. It's… regret, or something close to it.

"Teddy, what's wrong?" He asks softly, leaning forward as if to reach for Teddy.

The metamorphmagus purses his lips, anger rising in his sunset-colored gaze. He stands up and steps forward until he's right up next to James, staring intently at James' face. He's very close now, too, which does wonders for James' heart. It really shouldn't be beating this fast, the nurse said; it's bad for him.

"What's wrong?" Teddy hisses, all at once disbelieving and furious. "_What's wrong?_ What's wrong, James, is that you almost _died_."

"I know," James stutters, more anxious than he has ever been, for some reason. "I know. I just wish…"

Teddy's eyes sharpen and he leans even further forward, into James' space, sending the younger man back onto the pillows. Teddy plants his hands on either side of James' head in an almost _dominating _fashion. James shivers.

"You wish what?" Teddy asks sharply.

"I wish," James continues, uncertainty singing through his veins, "that I remembered. What happened I mean. I, er, don't remember a thing to be honest."

And with that, Teddy falls, weary like James' father was before. He rubs the bridge of his nose, sitting on the edge of James' bed, crumpled over a bit. James wants to reach out an touch him, but he's not sure how, in this moment.

"When we found you," Teddy begins, voice so soft and calm that it's scary, "you were so still. I was sure you were dead." His voice cracks on the word _sure,_ like he's still _sure_, like he never really stopped being _sure_.

"I casted the spell—_Expecto Patronum_," he continues. "But we were all so worried. Declan and Marietta were with me, and later Dean and Seamus came because of the fight."

James just listens. It sounds like Teddy really needs to get this story off his back.

"You just slumped against that wall, like the other guy, and we rushed up to you, and you were barely breathing. You were barely even there. I'm pretty sure," again, with the voice-cracking, "your soul actually left your body. That we _saw_ your soul."

"Teddy," James whispers.

Teddy lets out a shaky breath, and then he looks at him. A wry kind of smile tugs at the corners of his lips.

"You _would _pick the only time I've seen you in three years to totally freak me out, Jamie, you _would_." Teddy says.

James laughs a little, quietly.

"Yeah," he admits, "that's what everyone's been saying lately."

Then Teddy entertains him for a while and it's _nice_, just being with Teddy like this. It makes James feel like maybe he's not as cooped up as he really is. Teddy makes him feel strong again.

At the end of the day, James goes down for dinner, just to have it with the rest of the family so that they can all see him at the same time. It's a reassurance, he can tell, that they appreciate.

"How're you feeling, Jamie?" Hugo asks earnestly when he sits, helped along a little by a bizarrely eager Albus who immediately takes the seat next to him.

It's so cute, James thinks, the way his two siblings _dote_ on him now. It makes him wonder if he did that, too, every time they nearly died.

"Good enough," he replies, smiling. "A bit tired, but definitely hungry."

He sends his Gram a charming grin, bringing a large one to her own face. Enough food to feed three people is piled onto James' plate, but he _is _hungry, so he eats it all, if slowly. His relatives seem to want to go at his pace, which is cute.

"So," James says, and he catches Lily's eye as he does so, "I heard you and Scorpius are getting married, Al."

"What!?" Al squawks, jumping in his chair. Beside him, Scorpius' eyes widen, and he glances at his two very amused parents.

Needless to say, dinner is very interesting after that.

James wakes up early again, having slept too much for his body to handle, so he makes his way carefully downstairs, using the walls to support him. Then, he sits on the couch with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders and goes through old photo albums of his parents' wedding and even before then, when they were in school.

His father used to be so scrawny, James thinks fondly. And Uncle Ron wasn't nearly as buff, and Aunt Hermione had the _frizziest_ hair. Like Rose.

"What are you doing?" Someone inquires from behind him, and James whirls around as fast as his feeble body will allow.

"Teddy," he breathes, "don't _do _that. You're so silent. Like a ninja."

Teddy snorts and hops over the back of the couch to sit beside James, shaking his head.

"How did you even get down here?" He mutters. "I thought for sure you'd be reasonable and stay in bed like a good boy."

James snorts at that, because since when has he been a good boy. Teddy rolls his eyes, but they sit there, looking at a picture of four people—a fat boy, distanced slightly, but smiling, a boy with a wry twist to his lips and a book in his hands and scars on his face who looks like Teddy does sometimes, a very handsomely grinning boy who James recognizes as Sirius Black, and the original James Potter.

It's funny, James thinks, how he could have Sirius Black's smirk and James Potter's hair wild hair, except reddish, and the Weasley nose.

"That's my dad," Teddy says keenly.

"Yeah," James replies. He turns to Teddy, smiling, and tweaks the older man's nose. "You look like him."

Teddy smirks.

"Really?" He leans in closer to James, like before, and butterflies flutter away in James' stomach.

"Oh yeah," James teases. "Scars and all."

Teddy laughs and comes even closer, and suddenly James can't breathe.

And then, Teddy, the man (basically) of James' dreams, the only person he's ever truly _loved_ romantically and _wanted_ sexually kisses him right on the lips. It's like an explosion in James' mind and his heart, and Teddy's so warm and kind against him. There are no bony fingertips or deadened sensations. It's just James and _Teddy_, kissing.

"Oh my god," James hears from behind them.

They pull back, startled, and turn to look at a gleeful Lily, standing at the staircase.

"Oh my _god_," she says again, louder this time.

"Lily," James murmurs, but she's not listening.

"Mum!" She screams. "Mum, Teddy and James are snogging on the couch!"

James starts laughing, still kind of wrapped around Teddy, in his arms, and Teddy does too, and then the whole family just about comes pounding down the stairs like a pack of wild animals.

From his place by the door, Albus huffs with exasperation and mutters to an amused Scorpius, "Well, it's about _time_."

**End. **


End file.
